Brittany Rebecca Helton

It’s 8 weeks today……..

by on Sep.29, 2010, under Thoughts and Feelings

that you left us. I remember hearing the news as if I had just heard it yesterday. It was 928am and I just got out of a meeting and put my phone down on my desk. It was on silent. I just happened to look down at it and saw that sissy was calling me, which was strange because she never calls me during the day while I’m at work. I answered the phone and she was crying. I thought something happened to Patton or to Jeff. She could barely tell me what was going on. I stopped in the hallway and that is when I heard her tell me that your dad called her and told her what you did. I asked her ‘What did you say?’ and she told me again. I guess at that point I lost it. I was crying and then I guess I started screaming and collapsed on the floor. Everyone in the office came out to see what was going on. I don’t remember much, but apparently I dropped my phone and sissy was still on it. I had to call Grandma and tell her. She was at the dentist office and did not answer the phone at first. Sissy called her, then I called her.

I haven’t slept without the help of medication for 8 weeks, and when I do sleep I don’t want to wake up. I don’t function well and as much as I try to focus and be productive, I can’t. I just don’t want to. I don’t feel like being social with anyone and just want to climb into bed and sleep. I look at pictures of you everyday. I think about you every second. I go on day to day because that’s what I have to do. I have to go on with everything because your baby sisters need me to. I struggle some days more than others. I look at your baby sister and she reminds me so much of you. She looks exactly like you and that scares me and makes me smile at the same time. I guess I have the best of both worlds….I have her, but I also have you.

There has been no drama for a week. Lets hope it stays that way and that crazy person is out of our lives forever! I hate the reason she is no longer in my life. Because you are gone….I would rather have dealt with the drama and her insane behavior rather than having to deal with the fact that my little girl is gone. I hate that your sisters no longer have you in their lives and that they have to tell people that you died. Especially Ashley. She was so looking forward to having you in the wedding and to be there with her on her special day. That is what sisters do. Sisters participate in each others lives, not just on the special days but EVERYDAY. Please watch over her. She is having a very difficult time and is lost without you.

I found your baby book and I flipped through it. It made me smile. It made me cry. I am not sure if I will ever be able to sit down and actually look through it to see what is in there. My little girl is gone and I just don’t know how to handle it all.

People can say what they want to say about me, but I love all of my girls and would do anything for them. I know that you know that and that you see it now. I would have done anything I could to help you if you had reached out to me. I will never hold anything against you and hope that you know that I love you and I always have and I always will. I hope you are resting peacefully my sweetheart and know that one day we will see each other again. Everything will be ok then.