Brittany Rebecca Helton

Feeling lost today

by on Dec.30, 2010, under Thoughts and Feelings

I’m feeling lost today little girl, and I am not sure why. I always thought that I would see you again and that we would have a relationship like sissy and I do, but I never thought that I would have to see you the way that I did in August. I never thought that I would have to see you lying in a casket, lifeless. That is not the way is was supposed to be. We were supposed to see each other, hug each other and talk about all the things that you wanted to talk about and for me to tell you all the things I wanted to tell you. All the things that you were lied to about for so long. I hate the fact that they made you believe all the lies that they told you. I know now that you know that they are not true and that you really see the truth.

I wonder if you are able to look back in time and see all the heartache I went through over the years to get you and your sister back with me, and all the lies that were told to me, to you and your sister, and to the courts in order for you to NOT be where you belong. It’s ok thought, because now, none of that is important. The only thing that matters now is that my little girl is gone and that breaks my heart. I don’t care what anyone says….Just because I did not ‘raise’ you (if you can call what they did to you raising you) it does not mean that I did not, or still do not love you with everything I have. I gave birth to you, and that is something that she will never be able to understand. I truly hope that she never truly has to experience the pain of losing one of her OWN children. This pain is so intense that it consumes me some days. People tell me that they just don’t know what to say to me, and my response is ‘I don’t know what to say either’.

I have you picture on my desk next to your sisters’ pics and I look at all of you everyday. Today I sat here and cried and tried not to let anyone hear me. They all must think that I am crazy, but not as crazy to post your joke of a birth certificate on my website.

I love you very much my sweetheart. I know you are watching….maybe you will stop by Vegas for a visit this weekend.