Brittany Rebecca Helton

Missing you~~

by on Feb.22, 2011, under Thoughts and Feelings

I miss you so much. I don’t give a shit what some people might say that you were not with us or that you ‘hated’ me. I know it’s not true. I know that we may have had our issues, and that you were struggling with things, but we always loved each other. No matter what, you are my daughter and I am your mother. I hate the some people act as if they are the only ones that miss you. That they think they are the only ones that are never going to get to see you again. That they are the only ones that don’t think they will make it through a day without breaking down. I have those thoughts EVERY day. There are days when I just don’t want to wake up. Days where I just don’t want to get out of bed and even try to think about being a functioning member of society. I don’t have a choice. I have to do it for you and your sisters. As much as I miss you, you are gone and they are still here. I have to carry on for them. I have to be a mom to them because I can’t be a mom to you any longer. Maybe other people should realize that there are others that need them as well and that they should actually act like an adult and try to focus on the ones that are still here and the ones that need them.

I have been thinking about your father a lot lately and wondering how he is handling everything. Not that he deserves a minute of my time, but there was a moment in time that we cared enough about each other to actually make the beauty that you were. He must be putting up a good front for the crazy one. She must be making him bonkers….which would not take much. There are times that I feel sorry for him and I think that I should reach out to him, but would not even know how to go about doing it since the crazy had all the phone numbers changed. I know what he is going through because I am going through the same thing, the only difference is that you were his ONLY child. That does not mean the pain is any less than what I am feeling.

I miss you so so much! One day when we meet again, you are going to have to explain to me what was going on. If you want to. I cannot keep racking my brain trying to figure out why you did what you did. I am pretty sure I know why, and I understand. I just wish you would have said something to your sissy when you talked to her the night before. She said that everything was fine. I guess it really is now.

Rest my sweet angel