Brittany Rebecca Helton

I am so sorry that I have not written in the last few days. I have been traveling for work and have just been crazy busy. I am home until tomorrow, so I thought I would finally sit and write to you. The good thing about traveling is that I have a lot of time to think….THAT is also the bad think about traveling as well. I have TOO much time to think about you and everything that has happened over the past months. It is just so crazy to think that I will never see your beautiful face again. I have these images in my head of you throughout your life, even the times that you were not with me where you belonged. I have flashbacks of you as a baby and as a little girl, then I have flashbacks of August 11th when I saw you lying there….lifeless. It kills me to think that you were hurting so badly that you took your own life. I just don’t understand how this could all have happened.

I love you….

So, I have been meaning to post these pictures for you for a while, but have been forgetting to grab them from facebook, so here they are. The first one is the one I had done in the summer of 2009, and then I had the additional one done attached to your flower after you left. Unlike others, sissy and I had our tattoos when you were still with us!

There is no need to explain to you what the 88800888 is in the blue streak. You were there….you know what it means. I love you sweetheart.

Yes, it’s been 5 months since you decided that you needed to end the pain. 5 months since you decided that you needed to ‘get out’ of whatever you felt you had to get out of (I know what you were talking about, and so does everyone else). 5 months of tears and ‘WHYS’ and anger and, yes, laughing. I come to work everyday, now that I can get myself out of bed, and I sit here. Some days I can focus, most days not. Most days, like today, I cry. I have pictures of you and sissy up and then pictures of the ‘tiny baby children’ (as sissy call them…it’s cute…you would probably have called them that too.) The sad thing is that I will never have pictures of all of my beautiful daughters together because you had to leave. You obviously had something extremely important to do, and that’s ok. You can explain to mom when we meet again. We will have plenty of time to sit and talk about everything that we never could because you were always being hovered over. We will have OUR time baby. Just mom and daughter. There is so much to get caught up on, even though you know everything that is going on, which is good. I know that you are seeing everything, and all I can say is….it’s about time!! haha Everyone else who matters has seen it and on August 4, 2010 you saw it too. I have no doubt that you saw it long before that. I know that things that happened between us were not your doing. It’s ok though baby. Everything is OK. I love you and that is all that matters. I have never stopped loving you. You and your sisters are my world.

I hope you are able to rest. It’s been a long 5 months!

Because if it were, you would be here in Las Vegas were you belong, with me and your sisters, and I never would have let you go when they called and lied about you father being deployed. Well, ok, he was, 6 WEEKS LATER. Legally you should have stayed with me, but why should they have followed the law then when they never did any other time anyway.

I hope that you had an amazing New Year’s party up there with all the loved ones from our family. Nonie and Grandpa, Bubby, Sasha, Mr. Nibbles, Uncle Pete, our cousin Sherri (you would absolutely love her and I know that she is looking over you for me). We did not do anything. I guess everything that has gone on over the past 6 months or so has caught up to me because all I wanted to do was sleep, and that is exactly what I did. Well, I did get up and out of the house enough to get my hair done, you know ‘because I’m old and gray’ apparently. But at least I can leave the house!! haha Then Ben and I had some lunch then we went back home and hung around for a while then we watched the ball drop on TV and by 9:05pm we were in bed! I thought about you the whole time, wondering what you were doing. Hoping you were having a great time! I am sure that you looked beautiful.

I will be traveling soon for work, and I think it will be a good thing. I will have a chance to get out of Las Vegas for a bit and get to see some old friends.

OH!!! Not that I need to tell you, but it was snowing here this morning!! It was so beautiful and it made me think that you were here….clearing out all the garbage and bringing in all the new beautiful things for the new year.  Thank you for that! Mom so needed a sign from you that you are still here with me. I will put some pictures up later.

You’ve worked hard this morning sweetheart, so now its time for you to rest. I love you.

Author Unknown

Family o’ mine:
I should like to send you a sunbeam, or the twinkle of some bright star,
or a tiny piece of the downy fleece that clings to a cloud afar.

I should like to send you the essence of a myriad sun-kissed flowers,
or the lilting song as it floats along, of a brook through fairy bowers.

I should like to send you the dew-drops that glisten at break of day,
and then at night the eerie light that mantles the Milky Way.

I should like to send you the power that nothing can overthrow –
the power to smile and laugh the while a-journeying through life you go.

But these are mere fanciful wishes; I’ll send you a Godspeed instead,
and I’ll clasp your hand – then you’ll understand all the things I have
left unsaid.

I’m feeling lost today little girl, and I am not sure why. I always thought that I would see you again and that we would have a relationship like sissy and I do, but I never thought that I would have to see you the way that I did in August. I never thought that I would have to see you lying in a casket, lifeless. That is not the way is was supposed to be. We were supposed to see each other, hug each other and talk about all the things that you wanted to talk about and for me to tell you all the things I wanted to tell you. All the things that you were lied to about for so long. I hate the fact that they made you believe all the lies that they told you. I know now that you know that they are not true and that you really see the truth.

I wonder if you are able to look back in time and see all the heartache I went through over the years to get you and your sister back with me, and all the lies that were told to me, to you and your sister, and to the courts in order for you to NOT be where you belong. It’s ok thought, because now, none of that is important. The only thing that matters now is that my little girl is gone and that breaks my heart. I don’t care what anyone says….Just because I did not ‘raise’ you (if you can call what they did to you raising you) it does not mean that I did not, or still do not love you with everything I have. I gave birth to you, and that is something that she will never be able to understand. I truly hope that she never truly has to experience the pain of losing one of her OWN children. This pain is so intense that it consumes me some days. People tell me that they just don’t know what to say to me, and my response is ‘I don’t know what to say either’.

I have you picture on my desk next to your sisters’ pics and I look at all of you everyday. Today I sat here and cried and tried not to let anyone hear me. They all must think that I am crazy, but not as crazy to post your joke of a birth certificate on my website.

I love you very much my sweetheart. I know you are watching….maybe you will stop by Vegas for a visit this weekend.

Mommy

and there is nothing that any moron can do about it!! You can put your little ‘legal’ jargon on your website all you want, but it’s not legal. Next time you should really consult your legal counsel to get the correct verbiage AND spelling of the terms!

And as for posting MY daughters birth certificate on line, why don’t you just post her social security number while you are at it! Why don’t you just leave your front door open for every thief in the area to steal everything you have! That is pretty much what you have done! What an idiotic move that was!! If that doesn’t say ‘I’m not only stupid but crazy too’ I don’t know what does!!! Whatever point you were trying to prove was out the window……unless it was to prove just how ridiculous and moronic you really are!!! Thanks for showing everyone just how right I was all along!!

until this God awful year is over. As much as I would like to forget this entire year ever happened, it will forever be with me.

Last night Ben and I were talking about you and I still find it so strange to say that you died. It does not sound right. It’s not natural. There is just something so wrong about me talking about you being dead and talking about your funeral and the fact that we are never going to physically have you around to talk to or for your sisters to have another older sister to look to for guidance and wisdom. But, you actually have given all of us some wisdom. You have made us all more aware of what you were truly going through and the pain that you endured.

I love you!!

Hi Honey~

Christmas is finally over and I am both sad and happy about that. It’s funny how I used to love this holiday, now I just want it to be over, along with this year. I was sitting in the livingroom on Christmas morning watching your sisters play with all of their things, and looked at Tristann for just a moment and she reminded me so much of you that I broke down. She is the same age that you were when you came out for the one christmas that you did, and that was only because your ‘parents’ weren’t abiding by the court order to send you out when you were supposed to, but that is neither here nor there. The thing that mattered was that you were where you belonged, with your mother and your sisters. It was such a great time, no matter how much the crazies tried to ruin it. You never stopped smiling the entire time that you were here, even when the crazies called the police to our house. They saw how happy you were and they left immediately!

Thank you for the visit last night. It was a restless night, for everyone I think, even Roxy. She did not sleep well at all.

So, I know that you saw what went on on Christmas this year, what with the insane things the crazy was doing. It’s ok baby, everyone who matters knows the truth. She can say anything she wants, it does not affect me the way that it used to. I actully find it quite comical just how dillusional she really is, and the fact that she would rather focus on ‘people she does not give a damn about’ (her words) than to focus on celebrating and honoring your life. Also that she thinks that everything she is posting is factual, when in fact she edited your obituary to remove mine, your grandparents and your sisters name out of it! How is that honoring your life? She claims that my site is full of lies…..perhaps she should read her own postings! The other thing I find comical is that she is bashing me about my age….hey CRAZY…we are the EXACT same age!! What a moron! I know that you did not hate me. I know that you were trying to get away from that insane person and her crazy effed up life. I know that you were trying to make your way out of that asylum that is called a house. You got out, but unfortunately, we all lost you as well. It’s all good though. One day all of her crazy actions will catch up to her, and as your sissy said on Facebook ‘Your anger and stupidity are going to consume you and shorten your life and when it finally does catch up to you and take you down, the world will be an infinitely better place.’ I could not agree with her more! She really is an amazing girl! Thank god neither of you got any of the ‘stupid’ rubbed off on you.

I hope that you are able to rest in Heavenly peace sweetheart. I know with all the continued craziness from the CRAZY, it’s a difficult thing to do, but please try. God knows that you of all people deserve it the most.